Little Sugar, Lots of Slimy Mold

Once upon a time, when you ate the stuff sandwiched between those two wonderful cookies, you were eating sugar and trans-fats. Those aren't exactly the healthiest things in the world, but at least you knew what you were eating.

Today, corporations have taken over the process of making these wonderful cookies and they are doing everything they can to hide the fact that the new primary ingredient in the stuff is a white slimy mold.

As you might expect, it's all about money. Large corporations obsessed with profitability have replaced the care that individual bakers once placed into making a quality product. Sugar prices are on the rise and are expected to go even higher. Projections are that prices will increase by 85% in the coming years. 

So the corporations had a choice. Sacrifice a few dollars in profit and continue to use high quality sugar, or find a cheaper replacement for sugar, regardless of the cost to human health.

Thus let me introduce you to the new main ingredient in stuff, albus limosa infusorium. Also known as white slimy mold.

These spores are grown at minimal cost on the underside of dead tree branches. As long as the mold spores have access to a generous supply of dog or wolf feces, they grow quickly. When the spores mature, the mold is dried and ground up. That powdery substance is used to replace almost 90% of the sugar required to make the stuff.

Unfortunately, the dried mold spores leave behind a fluid that gives off a truly rancid smell. It's so bad that has to be masked by perfume additives mixed into the stuff.

As disgusting as this sounds, they combine the mold with tiny amounts of sugar until it's the right consistency of the stuff you've known for years sandwiched between two cookies.

Because the mold is white in color, it cannot be used in the cookie itself, so you have nothing to fear there. But every time you take a bite of the stuff, you are eating white slimy mold cultured in dog poop.

I'm sorry if that sounds gross, but that's the reality of what the stuff has become.

And that's why I'm telling you, eat the cookie. Avoid the stuff.

Dangerously Unsanitary Conditions

When I was involved a generation ago, our cooking facilities were immaculate. That still is the case when it comes to the cookie that is produced in the company's facilities in Nebraska. But our investigation found that the "stuff" has dangerously high levels of bacteria probably resulting for the unsanitary conditions in the factories in which it's made.

We took a randomized sample of cookies from 312 grocery stores across twelve different states. The cookies met every standard of cleanliness and food safety you would hope and expect. However, when we sent in samples of the stuff in to the federal government's labs for further analysis, their findings were absolutely shocking.

Here is an image of a sample of the stuff that was cultured in a lab:

After a mere 12 hours in an otherwise sterile environment, colonies of coliform and e.coli bacteria reproduced at an alarming rate.

And this is the "stuff" that our children are eating!

Clearly something has gone terribly wrong. And a further investigation makes it clear where the problem originates.

The cookies themselves continue to be baked in the United States, subject to our stringent food safety and inspection requirements. Unfortunately, the manufacturing of the "stuff" has been outsourced to once pristine factories in East Africa that have been ravaged by strife and war. As a result, the stuff that was once made safely is now produced in dangerously unsanitary conditions.

It's hard to get good information out of these war-torn countries, but a photograph was smuggled out by an independent journalist working undercover. Here is an image of the intake pipes that draw in the raw materials used to bake the stuff in automated ovens:

Those brown clumps on the floor are the bodies of dead rats that were smothered by the stuff in its raw form.

This is what has become of my beloved cookie.

Do yourselves a favor my friends.

Eat the cookie.  Avoid the stuff.

Residual Stuff in our Bowels

It's been clearly demonstrated that the stuff is both unsanitary and made from disgusting ingredients such as white slimy mold. But what is not as well know is just how dangerous the stuff is.

We consulted with Sheldon Berkowitz, a visiting professor of culinary physics at one of our nation's most prestigious science institutions, asking him to explore the viscosity of the stuff and its propensity to harden over time.

This is not a problem that historically was an issue with the stuff. The human body easily and regularly processes copious amounts of sugar. While the link between the stuff and diabetes has long been known, until now little research has been done on the long term impact of ingesting the large concentrations of albus limosa infusorium - or the white slimy mold - that replaced sugar as the central ingredient in the stuff.

As expected, Professor Berkowitz found that eating the cookies alone posed no greater risk than any other kind of sugary snack. That's what similar tests showed in the roughly ten years since the mold has been used as the primary ingredient in the stuff. However, because the mold does not digest easily, those who have eaten the stuff for more than a decade are now experiencing serious intestinal problems.  

Consider what happens to the mold in an open field when denied the dog or wolf feces it needs to thrive.

The mold spores burst and coalesce around each other, forming hard rock-like formations.

Professor Berkowitz strongly believes that a similar phenomenon occurs in the human intestine after a decade of regularly consuming the white slimy mold found in the stuff. The spores burst, leaving behind a residue that in time clumps together and almost inevitably will lead to an intestinal blockage.

Since the white slimy mold was added to the recipe for the stuff only about a decade ago, we are only just beginning to feel the repercussions of a public health crisis that will plague us for years to come.

Eat the cookies. Avoid the stuff!

AVOID, WORST, and STUFF - a coincidence?

While I admit this is a bit silly, I was amazed when I realized how many words are so closely aligned with the word STUFF.

Consider that STUFF has five letters, as does these words:

ABHOR
LOUSY
GRUMP
AGONY
JUNKY
IDIOT
STINK
WORST
AWFUL
FUNGI
MESSY
GROSS
INANE
HEAVY
LOWLY
YUCKY
BLAND
GRIME
LEAST
PUKES
SPITS
DUMMY
FATSO
INEPT
GRODY
FLAWS
AVOID

While you can point to a few positive five letter words, the sheer magnitude of negativity associated with five letter words like STUFF is overwhelming. So much so that I wanted to know just how common this really was. So I turned to a true expert on odds, Gino Rosetti, a Las Vegas bookmaker.

He ran a regression analysis using the same software he uses to calculate gambling odds and found out some very strange things.

While the chart might be hard to read, what he basically concludes is that the odds of the word STUFF being associated with so many other negative five letter words is 1 in 1.374 x 10 to the power of 17.

Those are about the same odds of finding a needle in a haystack that stretches from Ohio to California.

So maybe there's something to this.

Cookies are great.

But STUFF and AVOID are two five letter words that clearly go together.

Eat the Cookie, Avoid the Stuff

Kekoa, Nalani, Georgia, Elliott, Malia & Scout, 

Happy Early April Fool's Day!
Eat the cookie.  Avoid the stuff!